Share and Share Alike

The hardest part about having two kids, is not the juggling act – not attempting to provide the same level of attention or care to both kids, that is easy. Not the sleepless nights associated with a eight month-old’s teething. Not the juggling the different dietary needs of the little ones. Not the extra laundry. The hardest part of having two kids is getting the older one to share. And not just his own toys, but his sister’s toys.
  Anything that Reagan picks up to explore is soon swatted out of her hands to a chorus of, “Hey, that’s mine.” Anything. No matter if it’s a Thomas train or a plush dolly or an Matchbox car or a building block, or Pooh or Pigglet. Everything is his. He can be totally engrossed in whatever he’s doing and not even realize that his sister is in the room. But if he looks up from the train that he’s been meticulously constructing and sees that Reagan has something in her hand and a smile on her face -- Tiernan feels that it is his duty to remove both of them.
  I am tired of telling him to share. “You have to share your toys.” “You have to share your stuff.” “Reagan, can play with that you are playing with your trains.” “Give that back to her and say you’re sorry.” “Say you’re sorry.” “Give it back.” “Don’t take that from her.” “If you touch a toy that Reagan is playing with again, I will throw away one of your toys.” “You have to share.” “You have to share.” “You have to share.” “You have to share.” “You must share.” “You must share!” “YOU MUST SHARE!!!!!”
  It is baffling to me, because Tiernan is really good at sharing when it comes to other people. He understands that if we’re on the playground and he has two toys and another child comes over and wants to play, he should give one toy to his new friend. And he does. He is willing to share on the playground with strangers, but with his sister, he refuses to share his stuff.
  In his defense, most of the stuff was at one point his and only his. Most of the “baby toys” were toys that he played with at Reagan’s age. Now, he has moved on to bigger and better toys, but any time the girls touches a toy, there he is asserting his ownership rights.
  This must be the beginnings of a sibling rivalry. One of my biggest fears about having two kids was handling sibling stuff. As an only child it is hard for me to grasp how Tiernan feels about his sister and vice-versa when it comes to things like parental attention, playing favorites, and sharing space and the world with a rival. Now, I am trying to find a way to bring peace to the chaos, and allow Reagan to same opportunity to explore and learn that Tiernan, when it came to toys and experiences.
  I was always both amazed and very proud of the way Tiernan developed. And to pat myself on the back, I was proud of job that myself and my wife did in guiding him on his journey as he developed to skills to make advanced development possible. I want Reagan to have the same skill set.  Sometimes I think that I worry too much about whether Reagan is getting the right experiences and doing all the things that are necessary to develop the skills she needs to take the next steps.
  Is my need to keep Tiernan happy, active, healthy and safe, and the attention that is required to keep him from hurting himself detracting from the attention that Reagan needs to develop the skills she needs for the next three months? Or does the presence of an older sibling and the things that can be learned from watching her brother, compensate for the parental attention diverted by a need to be responsible for two children? In other words, will she learn more from her brother than from me? And if that is the case, should I spend more time worrying about raising Tiernan, since he will be a big factor in developing her future skills? Which brings me back to how to I get Tiernan to share, his toys and his knowledge with Reagan?