Rockfish Gap

Our recent trip to visit AT&UC in Cville, VA (home of UVA) was not without exciting discoveries and moments of controlled peril...

The very last stop for Clan O'Rourke on the trip down was at a scenic overlook at Rockfish Gap, where Rt. 64 cuts through the Blue Ridge Mountains to Charlottesville and points east. The Rockfish Gap is where the Skyline Drive starts north and the Blue Ridge Parkway starts south. When we pulled in about 6:30 p.m. the small parking lot was vacant. We to got out and looked at the valley below. Tiernan said, "That's cool Dad. I gotta go pee."

The truth was I too had to answer the call. However, this was just a place to stop and look. The stop with the facilities was still five miles further down the mountain. (That stop also contains a very noble tribute to DOT workers in VA who have given all so we could traverse the beautiful countryside at 90 mph.) Clan O'Rourke could not stop at both. Reagan would not have it. The second stop would have been a bad scene at a scenic overlook. By this time in the trip she was ready to get out of the car seat and never get back in.

So, Dad is left with a decision. I thought about getting in the car and driving five miles down mountain, but then I had a revelation. Tiernan is a boy. Boys can pee outside. Quick scan of the area showed a large large rock, large enough to conceal a boy and his father peeing in the woods from fellow travellers.

Tiernan, of course, thought that it was the coolest thing he's ever done. "We can just pee anywhere, Dad?"

"No. You really should use a bathroom. But in an emergency, like this, boys like us, can easily pee outside," I say trying to be stern and playful at the sametime. Because, it is one of the joys of being a boy. The knowledge that relief is just a tree away.

I must admit that for a split second the thought of getting caught by the Virginia State Police entered my mind and getting a summons for urinating in public was less of a concern than being arrested for indecent exposure in front of a minor. Now picture this, a police officer pulls into a roadside parking lot and finds a man and child behind a rock and both of them have their privates out. The timing could have been really bad and we could both be done and the officer notices me zipping up, or I am helping the boy button his snap. At which point I am either bending and kneeling, behind a rock, with my hands in or near a minor's privates. No kidding. The possibility was that I could have been charged with a sex crime. I could have explained the situation to the state cop and he could have been a parent and understood, but he could have been bucking for a promotion, or had an affinity for Rockfish Gap and take it personally when Northerners piss all over it. Or he could just be dilligent. And would have to report that I was a sex offender if I moved and my name would be on the sex offender Web sites, as exposing himself to a child. It would be huge news. The headlines would read "Yankee Creep Arrested for Exposing Himself at Rest Stop." AT&UC would have to move. My neighbors would be camped on my front door with picket signs, all because I didn't want to hear my daughter scream for last half-hour of a 7-hour trip. Do you think the judge would have taken pity on me? I don't.

Luckily, Tiernan and I finish watering the weeds and get back in the car without incident, dodging another bullet.

"We really can go pee outside anytime we want?"

"No, honey. We only go pee outside when there is no bathroom close by."

"Oh. I gotcha," he says. "Can we go poop outside?"

"No."

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Tiernan and Reagan's Ehhhxcellent Adventure

The lack of new posts, would seem to indicate that I haven't been around. And this is true, I haven't been around. We packed up the kiddies and took off to see the wilds of America. And, no, we didn't give the children any sort of chemical sedative despite the suggestion from James McMurtry's great song Choctaw Bingo which begins with the line, "Strap them kids in. Give 'em a little bit of Benadryl and some cherry cola." Although, we did consider it at some point...
It was consider as we drove through the Western Maryland, about four-and-a-half hours into a 7-hour trip. It was reconsidered an hour later as we cruised through the rolling hills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. The idea was ultimately dismissed as we pulled into the driveway of AT&UC (Aunt Tara & Uncle Chad). AT&UC live just outside of Charlotesville, Va., the home of UVA. (Not an uncle or relative, but the University of Virginia.) It is a 7-hour trip from NJ through, PA, MD, WV to AT&UC at the home of UVA just outside of Cville, VA.

The plan was to break up the 7-hours in the car with a stop at ZooAmerica in Hershey, Pa. My thinking was a zoo is a controlled environment. We don't need to see all the animals but we can have the kids walk/run around for an hour and tire themselves out looking at animals. It would be cheaper than Hershey Park, it would tire them out, it would be educational and we could regulate the time spent.

So we strapped the kids in and loaded the car and left New Jersey on a sunny Thursday morning. The first film of the trip was Barnyard. A fan favorite. We were hoping to be able grab a bite to eat and burn off energy in Hershey. However, when we got to the "Sweetest Place on Earth" it was more like the Wettest Place on Earth. Our arrival coincided with the arrival of a nasty thunder storm. Instead the zoo, we went to see the animals at the local McDonalds. The kids were happy, but they were neither tired nor educated by this experience.

Back in the car for the last four-a-half hours of drive time. After repeated attempts to get Cars to work on the in-flight DVD player, Finding Nemo soothed the savage beasts in the back seat.

One minor accomplishment, I can cross West Virginia off my "States I have not visited list." It looked remarkable similar to Maryland and Virginia from Rt. 81 at 85 mph. Does driving through a state at greater than 80 mph count as visiting? And what the hell is Maryland doing that far west?

We had to stop at a Burger King in Maryland for a potty break. So,we took the opportunity to load up on crap to bribe the kids into keeping quiet with while visiting his Highness. Burger Kind is cooler than McDonalds because they have Simpson's toys. Tiernan got a toy Monty Burns, "Ehhhhhxcellent" And for the rest of the trip any moment of otherwise peace and quiet was quickly filled by Mr. Burns' ubiquitous,"Ehhhhhxcellent" eminating from the Happy Meal toy. "Ehhhhhxcellent."
"Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent."

"Tiernan!!! Give Mr. Burns a rest!!!"

We has to stop for gas in Edinbugh, Va. Which is small town in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountains. I pulled into the only pump, at the only gas station/grocery store/post office/pharmacy/Subway deli/municipal court/mechanic garage in town, I got out to pump my own gas. Sitting on the porch is a twenty-something girl in an orange halter top and cut offs. She is tattooed above her breasts. She smokes and looks angry. And from out of the adjoining apartment come two twentysomething guys, they are shirtless and also tattooed. They are carrying a couch, which they put into the back of the ubiquitous rusty pick-up truck, and go back into the apartment. I continue pumping my gas, which is something with which I am not accustomed.

As I am walking into the store to pay for my gas, the young woman says in an accent which is right of out a Simpsons episode featuring Cletus, The Slack-Jawed Yokel, "Hey Toney, If you put ma mattress inta storage, where 're we gonna sleep?"

"Ehhhhhxcellent" local color.

The final leg of the trip was spent watching/listening (the kids watched, we listened) to Shrek 2. Another fan favorite. We finally got down to AT&UC without violence or a breakdown, nervous or mechanical. We had a great three days with AT&UC filled with lakes, thrilling car trips up and down perilous hills and exciting swims to distant islands, and we found out the Tiernan is prodigy when it comes to virtual bowling and that Reagan can stink up an entire highway. But more on these and other subjects in later posts. Stay Tuned.

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