The Train I Almost Missed

Tiernan was heavily into Thomas for a while. He spent two-years under the spell of the "Really Useful Blue Engine." For his second Christmas, (making him just shy of two-years old at the time, for those of you scoring at home) I, er uh, Santa got him Fisher-Price's GeoTrax trains. Santa was hoping that the trains would act as a sort of methadone for his Thomas addiction and ween him off. Santa was wrong..
The GeoTrax, for those of you without children or boys, is collection of toys, trains, cars, boats, fire trucks, etc. that run on battery power over tracks, which are easily connected. It is an ingenious design. The Fisher-Price folks also sell buildings, bridges, factories, fire houses, everything a little mayor-in-training needs to create a city. To a Dad, that has taken his desire to play with trains and converted it to many many nights playing Sim City until 4 a.m., the GeoTrax stuff is just about the coolest thing ever to buy his future city planner/architect/mayor.

I was naive to the seedy underworld of toys, being a Dad of only eighteen-months I didn't want to believe that toys could have a downside. Toys were toys. Now I know better. Now, I am a veteran dad of many battles and two tours of duty I see that not everything is as it seems.

Geotrax are cool. However, like all railroads, they are not without their problems. Tiernan likes to run his trains much like Sir Topham Hatt or Benito Mussolini, "The people may complain about their civil liberties, but the train run on time" and some of the GeoTrax engines don't perform up to his his standards. Some are slower than others.

But the major drawback to GeoTrax is they are sort of bulky, they aren't big, but big enough for little hands to manipulate them; put them on the track, connect the tracks. The size it what makes them effective toys for toddlers. That size, is its biggest draw back. (Especially, when an over-excited father, er, Santa can't help himself and goes overboard and buys two trains, the track pack, the fire truck set, the helicopter set, the construction set, well you get the picture.) The GeoTrax tend to be all over the place. When it is up and running and everything is together, it can fill a room. Now, add a little sister into the equation. A little sister who, can't help but take tracks apart, because she's six- or ten-months old. Resulting in GeoTrax everywhere and repeated anguished cries of "Dad, Reagan keeps touch my trains!"

When they are strewn across the landscape, the Geotrax become GeoTraps, waiting for adults to misstep. Like living room land mines, bidding time to twist an ankle. These GeoTraps are designed to take out the unfortunate bastard carrying a laundry basket, causing clean laundry to fly around the room like cloth shrapnel, leaving him writhing in pain, cursing, and covered in panties and boxer shorts. Or worse yet, contributing to the national heartache that is a missing sock.

There is nothing sadder than a sock without a mate. When one goes missing, another feels the pain. It is the sock that stayed true which suffers the most. It is shunned by the other socks in the drawer, because it can't keep its mate. It just sits in the drawer, being pushed around because it is always in the way. It is just waiting, hoping that its mate will come back. But, deep down it knows it is just a day or two away from becoming a rag, or worse going to the landfill.

After many months of sister-interference related time outs and twisted ankles and missing sock, the it was decided that the GeoTrax would be banished to the bedroom. It was the perfect plan. They became bedroom toys. Tiernan would get up early and put together the tracks around his bed. Nobody would be tripping over them. Reagan would leave them alone. And once every two weeks or so, I'd order Tiernan to put them away. A brilliantly conceived plan, executed to perfection. The GeoTraps stayed in hi room for six months.

Until one day last week. One morning, Tiernan woke up and decided he wanted to take his GeoTrax downstairs and play with them all day. I was against this. It was contrary to my aforementioned brilliant, perfect plan. As Sir Topham Hatt would say, "It could cause confusion and delay." I told Tiernan that the GeoTraps would have to stay in his room.

Cue the meltdown. He totally spazed out. He was crying, screaming, kicking, pulling out all the stops, relentless in his tear filled pleas. I tried to stay strong. I tried to explain to him why the trains had to stay in his room. However, my reasoning left, even me, unconvinced. And I began to ask myself, "Why won't you let your son play with his toys?" My answer came back, "Because I might trip over them." And it sounded comical and selfish. I looked down at my son's sobbing face red, lower lip quivering, tears filling his eyes ready to follow the tracks of the their bother tears down his cheeks. It wasn't a power struggle. It wasn't life and death. He just wanted to play with his toys. The toys that I bought for my boy. That I was excited to get him. I felt like a selfish, childish, dictator. Not a father, certainly not a Dad. I hugged him tight and told him that I would bring his GeoTrax downstairs and we could set the up and play together.

And we did. We had a blast. He loved it. We had trains running all through the house. The gods smiled on us. Reagan was napping. She took a longer nap than usual, allowing a boy and his dad to play trains. It was one of the better days, Tiernan and I have had. And we've had some great days. But, my own pigheadedness almost caused me to miss that train. Thank God, I rechecked the schedule.

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Island Hopping or Solving for N

Two weeks ago while visiting in Cville. We, Clan O'Rourke and AT&UC, took advantage of the local natural spendor to go swimmin' in a swimmin' hole. Ok, swimmin' hole may be a bit simplistic. Pristine lake in a Nationl Park is a better way to discribe it...
To get to Sherando Lake from Cville, according to the directions, we had to go back through Rockfish Gap and to the Blue Ridge Parkway (BRP) south for 16 miles. The BRP goes south from the gap for over 412 miles to the Great Smoky Mountains. It is a beautiful and majestic, sometimes harrowing, ride atop the mountains filled with breathtaking views and nerve-rattling turns, with steep inclines and roller-coasteresque drops. And very, very, very small mile markers.

One of the many things I learned on my honeymoon in Ireland, is the 1 mile of straight road is a lot shorter than 1 mile of country road, because country roads go up and down and left and right and curve and bend and undulate. This was a country road. It was fun driving. I am told the it wasn't as much fun as a passenger because, at times the edge of the road and the edge of the cliff, are sometimes the same thing. The children missed all of this. They were blissed out in the car seats "dreaming dreams unknown," to quote one of Reagan's favorite books, Dinosaur's Binkit by Sandra Boyton.

We finally get to the "exit" for Sherando Lake, which is a gravel road which recently got a promotion to paved road. Once we left the BRP, we started seeing houses. I thought it was strange, we saw two houses and three graveyards in the two miles from the BRP to the lake. I would have sworn that I saw an blind albino child sitting on the front porch picking a banjo, but I was driving so I could have been mistaken. Dededu, dudu dududu.

Once we got the Lake Sherando, which is part of Shenandoah National Park. We stopped at the ranger station to pay the $8 per car-load fee. And we drove another three or four miles to the lake. The lake is beautiful -- surrounded by mountains with an small island in the middle. Unspoiled by powerboat oil or development -- the lake sparkled. The park was pretty crowded, by rural Virginia standards. It was empty by Metro New York standards. Upon arriving we has a little picnic. Folks were swimming and kayaking around the lake.

Once we filled our bellies we moved to the swimming area. The lake was perfect, cool and refreshing. The swimming area was man-made, meaning that sand had been imported to create a beach and swimming area that was nice to stand on. That area was roped off with bouyed ropes. Beyond that area -- about 100 to 120 yards out was the island.


Tiernan and I, and AT&UC were in the lake in seconds. It was great. Tiernan with his life-vest on kicking and swimming and doing a great job in the water. After froliking for a while, AT&UC decided they wanted to swim out to the island. This was not an origninal idea, there were a bunch of folks out there already. I thought, "isn't that nice, they are young and still newly-weds, let them go have some romantic time alone on the island."

Tiernan has other ideas. After seeing AT&UC out on the island, he unilaterally decides to swim to the island. Before I know it he's under the ropes and swimming to the island. "Come on, Dad. Let's go."

I did a quick calculation in my head. My age plus the time it took AT&UC to swim out, plus Tiernan's age and weight, minus the fact that he was wearing a life saving floatation device, divided by the estimated distance to the island and I entered in the estimated depth of the lake based on the fact that the fact that if there is an island, the lake must not bee that deep. Basic Earth science and years of playing Sim City taught me that: A deeper lake would not have an island in the middle. I concluded that we could make the swim out to the island. (Math was never my forte)

Shortly into our journey, we passed another father and his son coming back from the island. I asked him if the water was shallow enough to stand all the way out. He confirmed what my inborn geological instincts told me. A person over five-foot could walk out the island. And I knew that I wouldn't drown, if I miscalculated the distance, as I am apt to do. So, Tiernan and I were on our way to meet AT&UC on the island.

The boy impressed me. He swam like a champ. Kicking and pulling himself throught the water with his arms. I helped, pushing and pulling him along. But, he has turned out to be a strong swimmer. Once he gets some swimming lessons, next year, there will be on stopping him.

Do you know what the great part of a pristine lake is? The fact that most of it is untouched by man's meddling. Do you know what is not so great about a pristine lake? It is untouched by man's meddling. Just beyond the ropes, and just beyond where my fellow father confirmed my suspisions bout the depth of the lake, the sand ended and the muck began. I put my foot in the muck and.... eeeeewwwwwwwwwwohhhh! ewwwww! eeeeeewwww! Nature, gross!!. It's on my foot. Ewwwww!!! Suddenly, I couldn't walk out to the island.

And that is why I've never been good at math. There is always some variable that I forget to work into the equation. I forgot to solve for N. Nature.

We reach the island but once again, I didn't solve for N. Nature didn't provide a ladder to get out of her pristine little pool. She did provide a bunch of jagged, slippery wet rocks to climb, which would have been a minor concern were it not for the three-year old I had to get safely up the rocks.

Only now did the worst-case scenario, begin to flash across my mind. It goes something like this. Tiernan slips on the rocks and cracks his head open. I am tired almost exhausted from swimming to the island, which is in the middle of the lake, in the middle of the mountains, in the middle of nowhere. Do you know what didn't see the who ride down the BRP to the lake, an ambulance or fire truck or police car. We did pass through the ranger station, four miles back. But it wouldn't matter, we are beyond shouting distance to the folks on the beach anyway. There are no lifeguards at the pristine lake. Had there been lifeguards, they would have told an idiot like me, not to swim out to the island. Damn pristine lakes. Damn your enticing islands! Damn your untouched beauty! Damn you nature!

I think my fedral tax dollars should be spent on installing a ladder out of the lake, and a bathroom out on the island, and a little snack shop that would sell sodas and candy and nuts. It is a long swim. Visitors could throw nuts and soda cans at the wildlife living in the lake. And the entire lake bottom should cleaned and filled with something that is not gross to step on, like concrete. And the water should be free of algee. Don't they make chemicals to combat that. What are my taxes being spent on. I shall write my congressman.

Once Tiernan and I get are safely up the rocks and out of the lake, my worst-case scenerio panic attack subsides. I take a deep breath and look around. And the view is astounding. The mountains are regal as the slope up to the clear blue sky, the lake shimmers in the sunlight, disturbed only by the splashing of bathers and the ripples from kayak paddles. Nature at its finest. God does truely love man, to give us such a place of beauty. I am pointing all of this out to Tiernan and I am so happy to share it with him. And he's going, "Yeah, this is really cool. Right Dad?" I am thinking, that I could stay here all day and just take in all the beauty.

And I look back at the swimming area and I see DirectorMom, and I remember her asking me to help her put sunblock on her back just before Tiernan took off for the island. She looks angry and sunburned as she tries to keep Reagan from drowning. We gotta go back. We gotta go back, now.

The swim back took longer. Tiernan wasn't as focused or fresh. He didn't swim as much, he floated more. He lost focus and started going in different directions. I wasn't as fresh either. I think the distance was further going back. And the lake bottom was muckier, and I was forced to stand on the bottom more. (Gross) We finally made it back. Tiernan was all pumped to tell his Mom about the island. I, on the other hand, was looking for a lifeguard to give me oxygen. There was none.

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New Photos

Hey there, a fresh batch of photos of the kids have been posted on their photo pages.

Click here for Tiernan's Photos or here for Reagan's Photos
You can always use the links on the side of this page as well.

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Rockfish Gap

Our recent trip to visit AT&UC in Cville, VA (home of UVA) was not without exciting discoveries and moments of controlled peril...

The very last stop for Clan O'Rourke on the trip down was at a scenic overlook at Rockfish Gap, where Rt. 64 cuts through the Blue Ridge Mountains to Charlottesville and points east. The Rockfish Gap is where the Skyline Drive starts north and the Blue Ridge Parkway starts south. When we pulled in about 6:30 p.m. the small parking lot was vacant. We to got out and looked at the valley below. Tiernan said, "That's cool Dad. I gotta go pee."

The truth was I too had to answer the call. However, this was just a place to stop and look. The stop with the facilities was still five miles further down the mountain. (That stop also contains a very noble tribute to DOT workers in VA who have given all so we could traverse the beautiful countryside at 90 mph.) Clan O'Rourke could not stop at both. Reagan would not have it. The second stop would have been a bad scene at a scenic overlook. By this time in the trip she was ready to get out of the car seat and never get back in.

So, Dad is left with a decision. I thought about getting in the car and driving five miles down mountain, but then I had a revelation. Tiernan is a boy. Boys can pee outside. Quick scan of the area showed a large large rock, large enough to conceal a boy and his father peeing in the woods from fellow travellers.

Tiernan, of course, thought that it was the coolest thing he's ever done. "We can just pee anywhere, Dad?"

"No. You really should use a bathroom. But in an emergency, like this, boys like us, can easily pee outside," I say trying to be stern and playful at the sametime. Because, it is one of the joys of being a boy. The knowledge that relief is just a tree away.

I must admit that for a split second the thought of getting caught by the Virginia State Police entered my mind and getting a summons for urinating in public was less of a concern than being arrested for indecent exposure in front of a minor. Now picture this, a police officer pulls into a roadside parking lot and finds a man and child behind a rock and both of them have their privates out. The timing could have been really bad and we could both be done and the officer notices me zipping up, or I am helping the boy button his snap. At which point I am either bending and kneeling, behind a rock, with my hands in or near a minor's privates. No kidding. The possibility was that I could have been charged with a sex crime. I could have explained the situation to the state cop and he could have been a parent and understood, but he could have been bucking for a promotion, or had an affinity for Rockfish Gap and take it personally when Northerners piss all over it. Or he could just be dilligent. And would have to report that I was a sex offender if I moved and my name would be on the sex offender Web sites, as exposing himself to a child. It would be huge news. The headlines would read "Yankee Creep Arrested for Exposing Himself at Rest Stop." AT&UC would have to move. My neighbors would be camped on my front door with picket signs, all because I didn't want to hear my daughter scream for last half-hour of a 7-hour trip. Do you think the judge would have taken pity on me? I don't.

Luckily, Tiernan and I finish watering the weeds and get back in the car without incident, dodging another bullet.

"We really can go pee outside anytime we want?"

"No, honey. We only go pee outside when there is no bathroom close by."

"Oh. I gotcha," he says. "Can we go poop outside?"

"No."

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Tiernan and Reagan's Ehhhxcellent Adventure

The lack of new posts, would seem to indicate that I haven't been around. And this is true, I haven't been around. We packed up the kiddies and took off to see the wilds of America. And, no, we didn't give the children any sort of chemical sedative despite the suggestion from James McMurtry's great song Choctaw Bingo which begins with the line, "Strap them kids in. Give 'em a little bit of Benadryl and some cherry cola." Although, we did consider it at some point...
It was consider as we drove through the Western Maryland, about four-and-a-half hours into a 7-hour trip. It was reconsidered an hour later as we cruised through the rolling hills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. The idea was ultimately dismissed as we pulled into the driveway of AT&UC (Aunt Tara & Uncle Chad). AT&UC live just outside of Charlotesville, Va., the home of UVA. (Not an uncle or relative, but the University of Virginia.) It is a 7-hour trip from NJ through, PA, MD, WV to AT&UC at the home of UVA just outside of Cville, VA.

The plan was to break up the 7-hours in the car with a stop at ZooAmerica in Hershey, Pa. My thinking was a zoo is a controlled environment. We don't need to see all the animals but we can have the kids walk/run around for an hour and tire themselves out looking at animals. It would be cheaper than Hershey Park, it would tire them out, it would be educational and we could regulate the time spent.

So we strapped the kids in and loaded the car and left New Jersey on a sunny Thursday morning. The first film of the trip was Barnyard. A fan favorite. We were hoping to be able grab a bite to eat and burn off energy in Hershey. However, when we got to the "Sweetest Place on Earth" it was more like the Wettest Place on Earth. Our arrival coincided with the arrival of a nasty thunder storm. Instead the zoo, we went to see the animals at the local McDonalds. The kids were happy, but they were neither tired nor educated by this experience.

Back in the car for the last four-a-half hours of drive time. After repeated attempts to get Cars to work on the in-flight DVD player, Finding Nemo soothed the savage beasts in the back seat.

One minor accomplishment, I can cross West Virginia off my "States I have not visited list." It looked remarkable similar to Maryland and Virginia from Rt. 81 at 85 mph. Does driving through a state at greater than 80 mph count as visiting? And what the hell is Maryland doing that far west?

We had to stop at a Burger King in Maryland for a potty break. So,we took the opportunity to load up on crap to bribe the kids into keeping quiet with while visiting his Highness. Burger Kind is cooler than McDonalds because they have Simpson's toys. Tiernan got a toy Monty Burns, "Ehhhhhxcellent" And for the rest of the trip any moment of otherwise peace and quiet was quickly filled by Mr. Burns' ubiquitous,"Ehhhhhxcellent" eminating from the Happy Meal toy. "Ehhhhhxcellent."
"Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent.""Ehhhhhxcellent."

"Tiernan!!! Give Mr. Burns a rest!!!"

We has to stop for gas in Edinbugh, Va. Which is small town in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountains. I pulled into the only pump, at the only gas station/grocery store/post office/pharmacy/Subway deli/municipal court/mechanic garage in town, I got out to pump my own gas. Sitting on the porch is a twenty-something girl in an orange halter top and cut offs. She is tattooed above her breasts. She smokes and looks angry. And from out of the adjoining apartment come two twentysomething guys, they are shirtless and also tattooed. They are carrying a couch, which they put into the back of the ubiquitous rusty pick-up truck, and go back into the apartment. I continue pumping my gas, which is something with which I am not accustomed.

As I am walking into the store to pay for my gas, the young woman says in an accent which is right of out a Simpsons episode featuring Cletus, The Slack-Jawed Yokel, "Hey Toney, If you put ma mattress inta storage, where 're we gonna sleep?"

"Ehhhhhxcellent" local color.

The final leg of the trip was spent watching/listening (the kids watched, we listened) to Shrek 2. Another fan favorite. We finally got down to AT&UC without violence or a breakdown, nervous or mechanical. We had a great three days with AT&UC filled with lakes, thrilling car trips up and down perilous hills and exciting swims to distant islands, and we found out the Tiernan is prodigy when it comes to virtual bowling and that Reagan can stink up an entire highway. But more on these and other subjects in later posts. Stay Tuned.

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A Nod is as Good as a Wink

The boys from Monty Python said, "A nod is as Good as wink to a bind bat. Nudge. Nudge. Say no more!" However, a nod is really good and I will tell you why... It is a behavior that my 17-month-old little girl has just mastered. Yes, Reagan can nod her head to signal that, "Yes, she wants more chicken nuggets." Or "Yes, she has pooped." Or "Hell yeah, she wants to go the pool."

This is relatively new development. And that isn't a cliche, this is something that she has developed. Prior to just three days ago, the only affirmative acknowledgement that you'd get from Reagan was a huge shit-eating grin accompanied by an understated giggle.

She's has been using the head-shake "No" for some time. It is a gesture ingrain in human DNA. Shaking the head back and forth to avoid being fed some gross, "delicious," disgusting, "good for you," strange smelling, "mmmm...really good" applesauce that "You really liked when you were an infant," but want nothing to do with as a toddler.

The no signal is easy. The Yes nod, on the other hand, take time to cultivate. It takes a thought process that goes something like: The large being that calls himself "Daddy" is asking me a question. What is it? He is once again asking me if I want to go to the pool. I thought I left standing orders that, I always want to go to the pool. I thought that since I took the time to learn to say "puuullll" it would be obvious. I mean golly gee, I can only hand 50 or so words at this age, so for me to want to incorporate "puuulll" into the mix, you have to know that I want to go. OK, wait, he's asking me again. How can I let this oaf know that I definitely want to go. Wait, he's moving his head up and down and saying "yes." I can't really do the "sssss" sound yet to say yes. Let me see what happens if I move my head up and down like Genius over there. Hey!!! He got the message that I want to go the pool. I must remember to use this up and down head motion.

An you really have to see her do the head nod, it like Spanky from The Little Rascals, real slow and deliberate. Up first, slowly and down all the way until her chin is on her chest and then slowly all the way up again. It is so cute to see.

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