The Ogre Becomes Me

After promising Tiernan that we'd take him to his first movie, the opportunity presented itself Sunday. My wife and I finally broke down and took Tiernan to see Shrek the Third. We went to the 3:15 showing at Clifton Commons. A nice matinee for the kids.

We wanted Tiernan to have the whole movie going experience, i.e. popcorn, candy, soda, the big screen, video games before the movie. It didn't quite work out that way. (It never does, does it.) Being a man of the 21st Century, I ordered the tickets online and picked them up at the theater amid a huge crowd of folks at the Clifton Googleplex, which has 1500 screens but was only showing 4 movies, Shrek, Spider Man 3, Georgia Rule, and Disturbia.

After I secured the tickets we forged headlong in to the mass of humanity toward the video games, we had 20 minutes until showtime. The games however, weren't working. All of them were shut off. Major bummer for Tiernan.

At this point, I figured we'd better get on one of the 10 consession lines, that are 15 people deep. We are waiting for a while, and Jean suggests that she and Tiernan go get seats, while I get the goodies. Good plan. They leave. SuperDad stays online to complete the movie going experience for his son's first movie. So I wait and wait and wait. As I am waiting I am looking around, to my left is a local gang-banger with an adorable "Dontmesswitmee Street" shirt, which features your favorite Seasame Street characters dressed up like dirtbag gang-bangers. Big Bird smoking a blunt, Oscar the Grouch strapped with a nine, -- you get the picture. Something that I was happy Tiernan didn't see, but sad all the other toddlers noticed.

Two people in front of me, is a young Latina in her early- to mid-twenties and four or five people behind me, in the next line over is a young stud Latin Lover on his cellphone, speaking loud and acting 100% like the playa/ladykiller that he believes he is. Suddenly, Studly is in front of me chatting up the Latina. I know they know each other. They've met before, but they didn't come to the theater together and they weren't planing to meet there. Playa noticed a chance to move up on line and used this Latina to do so.

I am saying to myself, just relax. Let it go. Don't make a big deal. Then I look at the time. It is 3:17, the movie or at least the previews have started. Which means the theater is dark and it will be harder to find my family. So, I say to myself. If Playa and Latina order together who cares. They don't. She orders, pays and leaves. Then he's about to order. He says, "Yeah can I get.." and say to the poor popcorn jockey, "Excuse me, he's not next. The this gentleman is. That guy is cutting the line."

Playa gets all indigant, "Oh!!! Excuse me!! If its that important to you all, then go. Five minutes ain't gonna make that much difference."

I said, "It does make a difference. I want to see my movie and I am already late."
Playa responds with, "Then you should have got here sooner. If its that important to you."

I say, "It is about respect for all the other people in the building. It is wrong for you to jump in line."

"Well, if that is the way you are all going to be. Everyone one this circle around me can suck my dick," he yells this to the building.

I was tempted -- tempted to use the old trick we used to use on newbie toughguys when I was volunteer fireman. I was tempted to tell him to take it out put it in my hand, right there in the lobby if he was so tough. And when or if he did, have him arrested. But I didn't. But the thought did cross my mind while I stood there with steam coming out of my ears.

Why does this happen to me? I go to the movies once every 18 months and I am faced with a moral decision. Do I punch this asshole in the mouth or do I get my popcorn and watch the kiddie movie? Remember, this is Sunday matinee. If I went the movies every weekend would I have these tough moral choices every week? I would eventully be sent to prison.

In this instance, it took every ounce of restraint in my body not to punch this kid in the mouth. I was about to when the vision of my son watching me be taken off to jail flashed into my head. I got my $25 popcorn, soda, and candy and went off to join my family in one of the screening rooms.

I am interested to know how you all would have handled this situation? I am looking for some advice and feedback for future reference.

While, I am fighting the urge to punchout a guy in the lobby, my wife is fighting the urge to punchout some broad inside the theater. Is there a limitation on the number seats one person can save? In this instance, a woman was saving two entire rows, like 30 seats - 30 of the best seats. "I already bought the tickets for these kids, I am responsible for them," she told my wife.

To which my wife replied, "Then they should be here, you (unprintable curses begining with fu and ending with hole)" and she moved to find less desirable seats. Once again an O'Rourke family member takes the high road and avoids jailtime. I am starting to think that we shouldn't ever leave the house or we need to move to Wyoming, where there are a lot less people, and as result less a-holes.

Back to the lobby. I have my theater treats. Now, I have my choice of theaters because there are two 3:15 showings of Shrek. That's right I have juggle a soda, popcorn and candy while looking for my wife and son in two darkened theaters. Naturally, they are not in the first one. They never are.

In the dark, I find them sitting in the third row from the screen. Tiernan is very excited. The previews are playing and he is amped to watch the movie and eat popcorn and drink soda.

The movie is, well the third in a series which hasn't had a let down until now. It isn't bad, but it doesn't compare to the first two. Tiernan enjoyed it. He did fall asleep three-quarters through, which I fully expected. To his credit, he did last longer than the father sitting in front me, who started snoring loudly about 20 minutes into the movie.

Of course, no trip to the movies is complete without vomit. On the way out, someone (not an O'Rourke) vomitted in the lobby. Personally, I didn't think the movie was that bad, but my experience in the lobby did kinda nausiate me.